Courtney, Lately

I'm growing restless. Incredibly restless.

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I've been going to Bikram yoga again. At this point I'm able to fit in at least 2 days a week - but I really want it to be more than that. I didn't realize how much I missed having it in my weekly routine. How much more calm and centered I feel within my own skin when I walk out the door of the studio. It puts my head in a good place [thank god for endorphins!], and for that I appreciate its presence in my life. It's also seriously still the most intense workout I've ever had - mainly because you don't realize how hard you've been testing your body until the class is over and you have a chance to really examine how you feel.

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There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go. But my days revolve around working at the restaurant and getting work done at home. I guess that's adult life, right? But this job is just a job for me. It's a way to occupy my time during the day and a way to put a little extra money in my pocket for a rainy day. Some days I enjoy it for the most part, other days I'm ready to walk out the door and never look back. Sadly, a lot of the people I actually enjoy working with have quit. But again, that's most jobs, right?

I also have grad school looming in the future - it's grey and hazy and incredibly uncertain if I will get in or not, but it's there. Just out of reach and teasing me with its possibility. I've realized over the last few weeks just how much I miss being in school - being academic. I've learned that I like writing papers and researching and reading. I like when my brain is challenged to make sense of new ideas with old ideas. I like learning new facts and contextualizing them with what I already know. I like that environment, not ones that require you have little to no brain to get ahead. That's just not how I operate.

All of the grad programs I've applied to are in cities. Who would have thought I would want to find myself back in a city? I'm a country girl - I love the wide open skies and the endless acres of nature that come with that lifestyle. But after Budapest? I kinda miss the city life - having things I love to do readily available. I could start fencing again in earnest in one of these cities. I could pick up aerials again in these cities. I could ballroom dance again. I could keep practicing Bikram. And I'd be enrolled in a school studying something that interests me. It seems like life is very well centered for me in a city. I still want to eventually end up back in the country, but for now I think a city suits me best.

Basically, I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo. I don't want to be where I'm at right now, and I don't know where I'm going to be in the future. But I can't make that change just yet. I've got so much else that needs to be determined before I can figure out that future.

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