On Loss

Source: google.com via Hanna on Pinterest

Over the weekend one of the doctors my dad works with passed away while on vacation. If I haven't mentioned it on here before, my dad is a nurse and works in the NICU (the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) with premature and very, very sick babies. This doctor was a really good man and an amazing doctor and will be sadly missed by his work family, real family, and friends.

I've been having a really rough start to the week coming to terms with this. Which may seem strange, because I wasn't close to him by any means, but I'm having a rough time nonetheless. First, I think this is because it's been really hard for my dad to lose a friend and colleague whom he cared for and respected so much. He was one of the Doc's that dad always has a story to tell about - both from his life in Russia before he moved to the US and from fun or interesting things that he had to say at work. It's hard to hear my dad hurt at the loss of a friend. I'm so over protective of my family, and I hate to see them hurting. And knowing there's nothing I can do to help ease that pain is totally a part of this. Secondly, it's hard because it was a very random and not predicted death. Sickness or prolonged illness have a way of helping us cope with the loss of family or friends because we are able to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. When people die suddenly it leaves us wondering why and at the same time realizing it could happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. And that, right there, is the most unsettling thing to think about. Thirdly? I've had a lot of loss in my life over the last nine months. I think my quota is filled, okay?

I like to think that he's in a better place now. If there's anything I think I know about heaven, it's this: men like this doctor and my dad? There's a special, amazing place in heaven reserved for people like them; for people who help bring the innocent, sick, and helpless little babies into the world and care for them so that they're able to stay with us. This doctor saved the lives of countless babies over the course of his career, and if there's any profession that God will let into heaven? It's these guys. So, if you have the time, please say an extra prayer and send some extra good vibes out into heaven for his family, friends, coworkers, and other loved ones who lost an amazing man that day.

We'll miss you Dr. George.

Heartbroken

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,

and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

[Kahlil Gibran]

Yesterday the world lost an amazing man, but heaven gained one amazing angel. The man who has been an extra grandfather to me my whole life passed away yesterday, and my heart is full of sadness over the loss. Every time I realize I won't hear his voice again or see his smile brings unbelievable pain. There may have not been blood binding our families together, but he is my grandfather in every other sense of the world. We don't need blood to form the strongest bonds in our world. We need love, and Mr. U had that in abundance.

He and his wife took my father into their family years ago after his father had passed away when he was nine years old. My dad joined their newly formed Boy Scout troop and ever since has been their other child. When he married my mother she became their daughter-in-law. When I was born I was their other grandchild. Every milestone was as important to them as if we were related by blood. Because the love was there and cherished. 

I could list the accomplishments of his life and tell you about all the other reasons he was an amazing force upon this earth. But words won't do him justice. He loved many and was loved by many. And that is an amazing legacy to leave behind. 

I wish he was still here with us, but I know that he is no longer suffering and will not suffer the fate so many with cancer suffer. 

I Love You, Mr. U., Always. 

The World We Live In [The Killers]

Winter is DEPRESSING!

Let me clarify: winter here in Budapest is DEPRESSING.

So, I’m sad. And I recognize that it’s for no real reason whatsoever. And that fact seems to make it worse! All this grey, all this sadness is making me anxious, making my stomach tie in knots. Ugh, I’m going to end up with an ulcer!

Now, I grew up in New Hampshire. I know the cold, snowy, and seemingly endless winters. And yes, I did live in North Carolina for the past six years, so I’ve become somewhat of a wuss (who am I trying to kid? I’m a total wuss now!) about colder weather. Despite all of that, this has to be by far the worst winter of my life.

I posted earlier about how grey it is here this time of year. Let me expand upon that bleak picture for you, just so you really understand me:

Christmas time is BRIGHT here. Lights on ever street lamp, buildings are literally COVERD in strands of lights from the roof to the ground as though they’re trying to wrap it in a Christmas glow. It’s like the city comes alive when the sun goes down. It’s happy.

Not anymore. All lights have been taken down. And to make matters worse, half the street lamps bulbs are out. It seems in the mass voltage of Christmas a lonely, blackened out street lamp goes unnoticed. Well, I’m noticing them now!

Another point: the skies here stay grey even when it’s not snowing. I’ve been back twenty days. Only ONE day has the sun

even peeked through the grey. I can deal with winter in New Hampshire because despite the feet of snow on the ground and the sub-zero temperatures I at least still have my sun. Not in Budapest. I miss the sun, I miss the blue skies.

Realization: I will never be able to live anywhere the sun does not shine at least one day a week. And even that, my friends, is probably pushing the boundaries of my sanity.

And to top it all off I haven’t done any physical activity since arriving back in this country. So I don’t even have any endorphins to jumpstart my mood. And we all know about endorphins - they keep people happy, and happy people just don’t kill people (or bitch on their blog about being sad for no reason). I tried to go fencing again. I made the 45 minute trek out to the Synagogue only to find the same note tacked to the door (and yes, I am a horrible human being, but I took the note off the door to have it translated!). It seems that they’re holding lessons in some unnamed ballet studio? And they gave no address and only the instructions to make sure you announce yourself to the porter? Ugh! I need to fence! I need to hit things! If the roads aren’t covered in snow and ice tomorrow I will be going for a run. Or out to the park to go ice skating! Something! Please!

Oh! I found my contact for aerials here in Budapest! Some of you may remember that I took aerial classes back in Durham, NC (side note: that may actually be a false statement, I’m not sure I ever posted about my aerials class! If not, I totally should have because it was one of the best things I did with my time!). Well, yours truly (if I man up and actually go) will be doing aerials at the BUDAPEST CIRCUS! Holy Crap! How awesome is that? I don’t know the logistics, if it will cost me anything, or what’s required of me, but dang! I am so excited at the prospect (note: someone needs to kick me and make me go, because I will keep finding excuses as to why I can’t. And clearly this falls in the “once in a lifetime” category, right?)

Dad came up with a good suggestion also to alleviate my depression/ stress/ funk. We all know how much I love the Opera House. Well, they give tours during the day to people from all over the world in a bunch of different languages. Ask anyone of my friends here - I know far too much about the whole building. I may just go see if they need anyone to give tours! Hello dream part-time gig for me! Who knows if it will work out, but you never know till you ask, right?

Okay, I’m going to bed now. Sorry for the blah post. I’m trying to regain my wit, but I think I used up all I got right now on yesterday’s John Mayer post. Just wait, the sun will come out, I’ll do a little photosynthesis, and I’ll have you cackling so loud I’ll hear you from Budapest.

Happy Thursday!

XOXO

oh, one final picture.

Laura and I went to the Gerbeaud the other day.

Clearly, if anything will make me happy,

amazing desserts will always do the trick.

Sorry to make your mouths water,

but you just HAVE to try one of these someday!