Actually Listening

I work with middle school kids these days. I know I haven't really had the moment to talk about what I've actually been doing for work since last February - mainly because it takes up all my time and that's why this little blog has somewhat gone to the wayside - but, we can start there. I work with middle school kids.

You can stop rolling your eyes or groaning or whatever it is you're doing at the moment now, okay? How did I know what 90% of you were just doing? Experience Every single time I even utter "middle school" people start having flashbacks to those awful years of their lives. It's that most taboo time period to talk about. Everyone was awkward and no one really knew what was going on...ever.

But, that's another post for another time. Let me just leave you with one thought: Middle School Kids? Not so bad, actually.

But one thing I've really learned from both them and this job? It's hard to actually listen to someone. Once someone is a few words into their sentence our brain is thinking over them so loud that you can barely hear them anymore. We're so distracted - our culture has taught us that we can multitask at anything we put our mind to. And it's a lie.

Our brains were not made to multitask. When we think when someone is talking, or check our phone, or turn to glance at a TV, or anything else, we take our attention away from the conversation at hand. Why can't we be quiet? Why can't we be still? It's something I struggle with and something I'm trying really hard to get the kids I work with to understand.

How to listen to someone, actually listen, when someone is talking to you.

Not to be formulating what you want to say when they're done.

Not to be thinking about what you want to cook for dinner that evening.

Not crafting a to-email list for work the following day.

Not daydreaming about your weekend plans.

Actually LISTENING to all of the words being said to you. Being fully present in that real, human-to-human interaction that you're a part of at that very moment.

That's my challenge to you. Next conversation with someone? Listen.

Actually Listen.

So Easy to Say Thanks

I've been thinking a lot the past few days leading up to Veteran's Day about what it means to celebrate all that those who have served and what their (and their families') sacrifices have meant to our nation.

You see, it's so easy to say thank you these days. Easy to post a status on Facebook, tweet 140 characters to remind your followers what Monday, November 12, 2012 is, Instagram a photo of a flag and caption it with a simple "thank you." It's easy to say an anonymous thank you. Easy to make a public statement of something that you should say. But how many people, after they've made that now-considered-to-be-obligatory post, actually feel the sentiment they've voiced?

How much do those words (and in fact, these words of mine as well) actually mean to someone who has served? How much does a written thank you mean to someone who is now disabled - physically or mentally or emotionally - or to the family members of a service man or woman who lost their life?

Where are the actions that used to accompany those thank yous? Where are the personal, face-to-face thank yous? In our present age of technology giving money is as simple as a thank you post, but how many people take a little of what they have to give to those who have volunteered to give so much more than money? How many people have volunteered at their local veteran's association or a soup kitchen that caters to retired service personal? To be real, how many of us have actually in person (or, in voice, if by phone is as close as they can get) thanked the service men or women in our own lives?

Source: Uploaded by user via Hope on Pinterest

And I'm not here to take some sort of moral high-ground on the subject, because I'm just as guilty as everyone else of this. I actually didn't make a facebook post today, because it felt like something I was expected to do by virtue of being an American. This is me, trying to turn a new leaf and do something instead of trying to look like I'm doing something.

But, just in case:

Happy Veteran's Day Everyone!

Especially you DAD and Uncle Bobby. 

When The Lights Go Out

Again, I've been remiss in my regular (can I even call it 'regular' anymore, when it's been anything but for the last six+ months?) blogging duties. I honestly think about sitting down to a post every day or so, and then get caught up in the day-to-day of working at an experiential education school for middle schoolers that I take a nap, or go for a run, or just feel too mentally fatigued to want to sit down at a computer for even a moment.

Plus, my iPhone? Has totally taken away my need/desire/compulsion/whatever to be nose into a computer screen. Seriously. Is anyone else like that too? I mean, I curse that little stinking keyboard every day on the iPhone, and miss my big one on the laptop, but I still find 99% of my internet time to be available in my pocket and on the go. Crazy.

Source: eeuphoriaa.tumblr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

So, all that aside, the real reason for this post: stars.

I am so! fortunate! to be able to live and work in a place that has little to almost-no light pollution in the night time. It is quite honestly the most amazing sight. I find myself walking around out campus in the night hours and in complete awe of what is going on above me.

The Milky Way lights a path across the night sky and shooting stars blaze trails that go on forever.

The sky is so black too - I don't know if any of you ever have been to a place with less light in the night, but the black of the sky up here is just so much more black than anywhere else I've seen. It's amazing. Awesome in the most true sense of the word.

I get lost up there. Feet firmly planted on the ground, a crink in my neck the size of Brooklyn, and eyes gazing always upwards.

I think the stars are one of my favorite natural phenomenon that ever existed. Who knows why there there (non-scientifically), or what they're there for. But, does it really matter?

Source: Uploaded by user via Skiv on Pinterest

Why, Hello!

Hey! I'm still alive, I swear!

After that blog challenge - which was amazing, by the way - I just needed a few days to regroup and, you know, get some school work done.

But - hello to all you new followers! Please, leave a note, say hello - I'm so glad to have you all here now! It was so nice to 'meet' so many new blogs and bloggers through the challenge!

Let me introduce myself to those new friends out there :)

8 Fun Facts About Courtney

1. I LOVE Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. LOVE. It's probably pretty close to an addiction. I love them so much that, since I'm in a country where they don't exist, I hoard them for special occasions. This is very hard for me to do, but totally worth it.

2. I got some awesome nail polish in the mail with my blog swap (which I will post about in my next post - waiting for the pictures to be uploaded now). And therefore, I painted my fingernails for the first time in years. I normally only do my toenails, so this is a big deal! It surprises me every time I look at my hands.

3. My life seems to be defined by music. I love the stuff. Even genres that I don't think I'll like? I usually find something that I love in it. Really. My iTunes has everything from ABBA to Broadway Musicals t0 JayZ to Chris Botti to Nsync to Oldies to whatever else you can think of.

4. I hate being more than three hours away from the beach. I feel totally land-locked in Budapest. I love when I can take a day trip to the beach on a whim or go sit and talk with friends at night and watch the stars. It's not the same when it takes a plane trip to get to the waves.

5. I still keep my stuffed animal and blanket from my youth in my bed with me. Yes, judge if you must. I don't care. They've been around the world with me, that's enough reason to keep them close :)

6. I seem to collect random hobbies. Fencing? yes. Ballroom dancing? yes. Aerial acrobatics? yes. Bikram yoga? yes. I love it all :)

7. My Vibram Five Fingers are my favorite current shoes. I love them. As much as I love a cute pair of heels of ballet flats - I would trade those in for another new pair of Fivefingers any day. I love the weird looks I get at my feet on the metro. I love running in them. I love feeling the rocks under my feet without feeling the rocks under my feet. I would recommend these shoes to anyone and everyone.

8. I love: getting letters in the mail, my Carolina Tar Heels, the color blue, the sunshine, quotes, pictures, photography, and the numbers 5, 7, and 13 (why have one lucky number?)

All You Need Is Love {Day One}

Let's Start The

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

Blog Challenge!

If you haven't noticed,

Me, Sam, and Neely are super excited about this.

Day One

When I need some ME time I {LOVE} to...

I'm an only child which means that 'me' time has become a super essential part of my life. I love people, I love being with people, around people - but, I spent a lot of time growing up entertaining myself as well. I value the time I get to myself. I like me. I like to have time with me. It's good for the soul.

- read a good book

- watch movies with a glass of wine

- catch up on TV shows

- take a trip to the beach at night and just watch the waves

- go to a Bikram class

- play with my cat

- take myself out to lunch

What about you? How do you celebrate yourself?

Join up!

[all images from weheartit]

Believe to Dream to Live

we[heart]it

If I've learned anything in 24 years,

it's that dreams never, ever die.

They may sit on a shelf

in the corner of our hearts,

and collect dust for a few [or more] years,

but they never, ever leave us.

Which means, all we need to do

is remember those dreams,

polish them so they're like new,

believe in our selves just a little bit more,

and make them happen.

It's never too late

to make the change

that will make

and old dream

come true.

Home Again, Home Again...

Well, I've been back in the States for five days now. Five glorious days. And I've done next to nothing (which sorta explains the "glorious' part, no?). I am loving this, but I know it can only last so long. Sigh.

The flight back here was, well, it was long. 9.5 hours from Budapest Airport to NYC (JFK). Dear Delta - get some new airplanes. The ones with only a few TV's for the whole coach section? Not cool. Every other international airline (except the Russian Aeroflot - but let's not start in on them again, that was an experience I'm willing to forget) has little self-controlled TVs in the back of each seat. I had close to ten hours and only watched a movie on my iTouch because I could not see one of the big TVs (plus, let's admit that I'm a control freek and would much rather be able to select what I watch, when I want to watch it, and be able to pause/rewind/stop when I want!). Oh, and Delta? Your food sucked too. Oh well, I got to the States, right? And that was the important part! Customs went quick (though they make you get your bags, drag them through a checkpoint, and put them on another conveyer belt yourself.)

Then the four hour layover in NYC? Not so fun for someone who had been up for close to 20 hours (I only napped on the plane, which is unusual for me, usually I can sleep a majority of the way - but the seats were tiny and my isle partner, though skinny, managed to still take up her space and half of mine as well!). I got some Chili's (YAY HAMBURGER!), a Starbucks (YAYAYAYAY!), and enjoyed listening to announcements in ENGLISH. The flight to Boston was short, my bags got there in time, the bus ride to my town was fast (and had internets! hence the "Budapest, I Love You" post). And then I slept till mom woke me up for Easter Church.

Easter was nice and quiet. Just the way I like it (well, the way I liked it this year in a hazy, sleepy state). Church was nice. Breakfast with mom and dad was nice. Got a Starbucks card to gorge myself on while home, a new Napster card to support my music habit abroad, a chocolate bunny (because what is Easter without a chocolate bunny?), and some flowers from dad (that I think mom has semi-stolen from me). I napped. I sat on the porch swing with a book. It was awesome.

The only other news of this vacation so far is that I've started Bikram Yoga. Yes, you read that correctly. Bikram. Yoga. As in - HOT yoga. As in it's around 105 degrees in the Studio during the whole class. It's the most insane thing ever, and yet I love it. I've gone 3 mornings so far (and will go again in the morning). The trick is getting past the first class. I spent at least half the first class sitting on my ass trying not to pass out while watching the sweat drip, no, pour off everyone else in the room. It was intense. I was gross. I wanted to cry and run out the room and never come back. But I forced myself to go back. And it's been so worth it. Even only three classes in and I feel amazing. I'm sore in places I've never been sore. I feel more alive the whole day when I start my day at 9AM with a 90 minute sweaty class.

If you haven't tried it, no matter how old or broken you may think you are, you really ought to. They were talking about a student today that comes to the studio. She's 65 and she has an injury to her elbow that she sustained when she was 14 that has left her unable to straighten it past 90 degrees. She's been doing Bikram for 6 months and she's at 170 degrees and close to being able to fully extending it! Some of the other older students have told me about how they used to have intense joint pain and now it's gone and their flexibility and strength have improved remarkably. And some others have even said they've lost 50+ lbs by just adding Bikram into their lives. It's intense. You'll try to convince yourself to quit. But do this - go for three classes (in one week) and then make your decision about it. If I had made my decision after one class I wouldn't be doing it any more.

Okay that's my life over the past few days! Now, back to reading a fiction book of no consequence and early to bed! Night all!

Budapest, Szeretlek

Budapest is the sort of city that seeps into you slowly and gently. It's so sly in its actions that you barely notice it's happening. It's not overtly glamorous - like Rome, London, or Paris. It doesn't scream out to you when you first step off the airplane 'Look at me! Look how wonderful I am! Love me!' It doesn't beat you over the head with its beauty, or for that matter, even its history.

You can even find yourself, in the bleakest days of winter hating the city. You bundle yourself up and put one foot in front of the other, silently willing months to go by in the speed of days. You begin to believe that blue skies are simply a myth told to get you through. And you even find yourself understanding slightly - no matter how grim that understanding might be - why Budapest has one of the highest suicide rates in all of Europe.

Despite this, even in that monotone, bleak world there are some moments that cause you to pause. The first snowfall which covers the city in a layer of white perfection. The way that same snow lands haphazardly on the lions, the eternal guardians of the Chain Bridge, causes you to smile. And when the sun does shine it's as though the heavens opened up just for you to remind you that yes, good things will come.

And then, just when you think you can't take any more, Spring sneaks up on you. The sun starts to shine, the temperature begins to rise. You start pushing its limits, seeing how few layers you can get away with wearing without having to return inside for another sweater or close-toed shoes. You find yourself conjuring up excuses to go outside and sit in the sun, even if only for a few moments before the wind reminds you that it's not quite warm enough yet. And it's that yet that gives you hope.

It's that yet that makes you realize that this city, this city that is still in the process of rebuilding itself from years of repression, has made its way under your skin. You walk through the same streets you walked through in the darkest days of winter noticing beautiful accents on the architecture of old buildings. You realize that most of the time you know how to get where you want to go without stopping to think about it. You stop to sit on a bench along the banks of the Danube to watch the tourists stumble over themselves to get the whole landscape of Buda into a single picture (a near impossible feat).

You realize that this place - this once seemingly grey, smoggy, cold, and bitter place - is a place you've come to love. And that realization, whether it happens the moment you set foot in a city or the moment you leave it, is what ties your heart to a place forever.

Do You Know Me [John Mayer]

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

[A.A. Milne]

I’m really a quote-aholic. For some reason I find it calming to find reason in the words of others. Because, though I love my words a lot, sometimes other people seem to just get it right. Sometimes a few short words of others take the place of what could be a rambling and incoherent mess of my own.

So, this Winnie-The-Pooh quote really does it for me at the start of this new decade. I’m here, standing at the edge of my life and I have no words to explain what it feels like to be here. In an odd way, I feel like my life is really just beginning. I know I should have had this feeling before I moved to Budapest, but I think there were so many things going on at that time, both with the move(s) and some unresolved things I felt like I was leaving behind me, that I couldn’t just sit back and feel what was happening to me.

And now, I am feeling it. I really, really am.

It’s been a few weeks since my last real post. And I guess I owe you all some sort of update that doesn’t include my favorite Christmas movies or commercials (though, it was fun to go back and look at all those things again). Coming back to the States threw me for a loop, and not because of any reverse culture shock or anything, but a loop of love from my family and friends. There are so many people to see, and not out of feelings of obligation, but people I really want to see and who really want to see me. I cannot count the number of times I’ve been forced to take a step back and realize how truly blessed I am to be so loved by so many. If it’s true that you can measure someone’s wealth and worth by those who love them, I must be wealthier than Microsoft.

I got back into New Hampshire from Budapest (via Zurich) on the 15th. Well, it was almost the 16th by the time I found myself tucked in and exhausted in my bed. The flights were fine. In my usual manner, I made fast friends with the woman sitting next to me. She was this 81 year old woman from Krakow, Poland, and she has to be one of the sweetest little things I have ever met. I helped her get to and from the lavatory since she had a hard time walking, and chatted with her and shared a bottle of airplane wine with her. She gave me her address and phone number and made me swear that when I finally get to Poland (which, being Polish myself, she said I absolutely had to go no matter what else I did in my life) I will call her up, visit, and she will cook for me all the glorious Polish food I could dream of. You can bet I’m going to take her up on it, I love meeting new and interesting people like her.

And then, the 17th I took off for my beloved North Carolina. I made it to Baltimore that night and stayed with some friends of my friends from the Carolina Fencing Family. They were very gracious to have me over in the middle of Hanukkah and especially because of traffic I got there so much later than I planned! But I had a wonderful time talking to them and seeing their beautiful children. And to avoid bad weather and traffic I had to leave early the next morning. But I was so glad to get to NC - it has truly become my second home over the past six years. I expected to feel out of place, like life had gone on without me. And it has, but I didn’t feel it in a bad way. It didn’t hurt. And I think that’s because all the people who made NC home for me are still a major part of my life and my adoptive family. I visited my old work, had lunch with my old co-workers, hung out with my old roommate, went to a party at Carrie’s (and spent a while re-apologizing for missing their wedding!), finished my Augustine paper, met up with my favorite old professor - Brett, went to aerials, took a much missed ballroom lesson, and just pretended I still lived in the happiest place on earth. The drive home again saw me in Baltimore, but with other friends who I haven’t seen in far too long. Jes and David and Jes’s mom and I shared a bottle of prosecco and chatted. Then Jes and I chatted until far too early in the morning, I napped for a few hours, and then sleepy-eyed got on the road by six (potential for bad weather and a long drive made that decision for me).

After a mad rush to buy Christmas presents, Friday came and brought Christmas with it in a brightly colored boxes and happiness sort of way. It was an odd year for presents, as the parents did not want to buy me things that would either take up too much space to go back with me, or would remain at home untouched until I’m gone from Budapest (and my things are gone from their house) for good. So I ended up with a lot of CD’s (burned to iTunes), DVD’s (Blu-Rays that dad can keep for now that come with digital copies, burned to iTunes), and books (I’m a sucker and cannot live without them). I also got a new sweater, Uggs (which make me feel like a sellout, as most sorority girls at UNC wear them in the dead of summer with mini skirts, I swore I would never own them. But since I now again live in a place that has a real winter and a need for warm footwear, I caved), and giftcards for massages and haircuts. I’m happy with them, as they’re things I need and will use. Plus, just being home is the best present in the world.

I also have fenced in two tournaments since I’ve been home. Let me tell you, the happy feeling that started with fencing in Budapest has picked up steam back at home. I have not been this happy fencing in years. I know college fencing leads to burn out, but I am so happy that my love for the sport is coming back to life. I got to hang out with old friends and fencing family and just fence for the fun of it again. I’ve reconnected with people I assumed were out of my life for good, and am so glad that they’re not! I won a little women’s epee tournament (6 people), came in 6th in a mixed epee at the same place (of 24 people, I think), and came in the top 16 as the highest female finisher at the Hangover Open for epee (of 42, and the spot came with a bottle of Champagne - the first one I have been of age to actually take home with me!). I’ve been told by countless people that I look happier right now than they’ve seen me in ages. It has to be true, because I am feeling more like myself and happier than I have felt in ages. It’s an amazing feeling and I hope it never goes away.

There’s so much more, but I’ve already written a short novel here. More later, promise!

Always,

Courtney